Mother (not mil) body and aging issues - Overbearing MILs | Forums | What to Expect (2024)

I’d see these as two separate issues. As for the trying your clothes on and commenti on you body I’d call

Her out immediately “mom that’s really rude and not appropriate. I just had a baby and as a grown woman I’m not going to entertain this. Im proud of my body and happy with it at the moment” “mom that’s hurtful to me please stop “ and stop letting her at your clothes.

As far as what is surely an eating disorder / body dismorphja of her own - every time she tried to bring it up I would direct her back to her dr. “Mom

That’s not a healthy way to x. It worries us for you maybe talk to your dr “ mom that’s not healthy and you need fo speak too your dr about x” on repeat -not healthy. The grey hair and revealing clothes is ignore. As in when she talks about it or looks for a reaction “that’s nice “

And change the subject. Don’t feed the beast

Agree with pp that these are separate issues/discussions.

For the first: “mom. I need the body comments to stop. I’m not interested in comparing weights or hearing about the size or look of my body or anyone else’s. Going forward, I’m going to cut off any conversation/comment about this topic.”

For the second: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been talking in a particularly negative way recently about your body recently. It makes me sad because it’s not true and scared because you seem to be making decisions that could put your health at risk. I’d really like to support you to get some help to see yourself clearly.”

Do you have good mental health resources where you are? You could offer to research them for her or bring them to the conversation.

Just here to say I can relate big time. My mom has always been obsessed with weight and appearances. She made me take prescription weight loss drugs when I was 17 so I would look good for my senior photos.

I totally changed my eating habits and lost a bunch of weight about 2 years ago, and she asks me every time we talk on the phone for tips but doesn’t do anything different. I used to get frustrated and repeat the info but since I’ve been in therapy for 2.5 years I’ve learned to just let her figure it out on her own. It’s not my responsibility to help her lose weight especially if she isn’t going to help herself by doing the research. (And she isn’t really overweight.).

She’s also very critical of appearances and also buys expensive creams and colors her hair, etc. It causes fights with her husband. Shes 60 and also wants to look like she’s 30. She’s gotten somewhat better about it but definitely still an issue.

My only advice would be to try and focus on yourself and your health and wellness. As long as you are ok with your body and image then that’s all that matters. You can’t change someone else’s mind about themselves. She unfortunately may need to keep going through whatever is going on with her until she reaches her own point of realization. I know it’s hard to watch someone else self-destruct. I’ve been doing it with my own mom for 38 years. Be kind to yourself and ignore her rude comments. In my experience, if you are focused on yourself and making strides in your mental, physical, spiritual self, she will notice and want to change also, but it’s up to HER to make those changes.

I just wanted to say I've been there- with my own mother and with my mil and the women in my husband's family. My mom is 5'11, a very tall women. She worked at a law firm and had to wear full make up and have nice clothes. Before that she was too focused on it too, she's always struggled with her weight. I tried on her wedding dress and it was falling off me and she started crying... like whe expected it to fit? Idk. She didn't lose her baby weight after her last child and she became obsessed with counting her calories, etc. Every conversation it comes up. She's always on diets, always talking about hoe much she's gained/ lost, new recipes, nutritional value. She also has very dark hair that's almost black- at 72 it started to gray... she also is very against tattoos but got them on her eyes to look like eyeliner. It got worse when she retired and didn't have the need to dress up. It's just she's really insecure about herself, after years of being happily married, etc. She's actually very healthy and good weight, beautiful, but that's not what she sees. I have only sisters and we've all told her how this fixated talk has affected us. I wouldn't say I had an eating disorder but I had an unhealthy way of viewing food/ my body, like all my sisters did. Since that talk we've had kids and she's settled into a good grandma role and controls her talk better. It still comes up though.

Now my mil, she talks about everyone and their figures, etc. That's mostly all she talks about. She sums people up and would give me "homework" to improve myself. I think it stems from a need for valadation and to be praised. She's very short and not the fittest but she talks like she is. I'm almost 6 ft- she's just 5 ft. She'd ( and sil) gift me clothes that was extra small or petite and it obviously didn't fit me... even wedding gifts. It felt like an intentional dig. I'm a size 10 and not by any means overweight but I felt like a giant next to them. They'd always comment on what I was eating, my skin, my hair/ clothes/ shoes, my nails, my weight.

Both destructive thinking but different at the same time. I had to concisiously make goals for myself and stick to just that, I had to call them out in the moment, and I had to see my own self worth- in my looks and body but also in other areas bc physical isn't everything. I had a husband who found me gorgeous and told me daily and beautiful kids... I can be content in that. My mom I try to have patience with and build her up in other ways. My mil I don't talk to anymore but I just ignored bc it was a humiliation / bullying tactics.

1. Tell her to stop. This topic is beyond limits. If she brings it up, cut off the conversation, leave the room, go home or ask her to home. She doesn't need to understand why these comments are wrong, only that she can't make them around you.

2. Your concern is sweet, but let it go. Even if the right words would reach her, it is unlikely if the words are coming from you. Let it go.

3. Try not caring so much with what people think, let mom be embarrassed. Actually, the fear to be laughed at for being fat is not so different from the fear to be laughed at for wearing "age inappropriate" clothing. Both cases, albeit not the same, are about being limited by harmful social standards. There are elderly women who dress in fabulous, outrageous and interesting ways, regardless of what society says. Perhaps you both could follow some of these women for inspiration. And perhaps some fat body positive women too.

Call her out bluntly.

"Mom you have an unhealthy obsession with weight and your hyper fixation and comments are really quite offensive. You're rapidly losing weight yourself to the point that you are starting to look unwell and I really feel you need to seek out some medical help and/or therapy to deal with what is going on. I only say this because I am worried about you, you seem to have a genuine fear of the fact you're getting older now and I am concerned. In all honesty you're wearing clothes that just don't seem age appropriate and I'm worried you're going to end up with some sort of eating disorder or that you will become ill. You are a grandparent to my child and baby needs you, as do I. Little one just needs a happy and healthy grandma, not a stick thin, unhappy grandma"

Ima need a picture of the dresses she wanting to wear.

On a real note, I would politely have a conversation with my mom about keeping her insecurities to herself and not talking about weight or appearances in front of my child.

My mom is very similar, and I call her out every time she starts talking about stuff like that. I simple tell her that” we don’t talk about other people’s bodies here” . Usually that gets her to stop.